I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
