Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
