would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize