We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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