Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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