I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize