Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
