What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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