I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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