my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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