what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize