the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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