New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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