booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize