The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
