I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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