I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
