Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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