Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
