why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
