god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
50% drunk capacity currently
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
