I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
