Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize