we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
