last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
