So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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