He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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