last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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