So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
