Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
