mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize