Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
