Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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