you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
