I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
