girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
