I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
