I think I died a long time ago.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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