tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
