I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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