i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
