He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
