she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
