I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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