Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
