That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
