Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
