I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
