You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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