I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
