I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
