I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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