Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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