I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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