I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
