What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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