He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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