my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
