she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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