i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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