i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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