Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Someone signed my nipple.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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