so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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