i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
